Dear Secretary of State,

My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for
£3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I would now like
to join the "not rearing pigs" business.

In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and
which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this
endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the
Common Agricultural Policy.

I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want
not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in
not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are
there too many people already not rearing these?

As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate
record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any Government or Local
Authority courses on this?

My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for
forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968.
That is - until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any.

If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing
100? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about
4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year. As I
become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps
increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect
about £2.4 million from your department. Incidentally, I wonder if I would
be eligible to receive tradeable carbon credits for all these pigs not producing
harmful and polluting methane gases?

Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes
of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will
I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don't

I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send any
information you have on that too. Please could you also include the current
DEFRA advice on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis
with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several thousand hectares)?
In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and
will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits.

I shall of course be voting for your party at the next general election..

Yours faithfully

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